Frog Allegedly Sold Kids Without Judicial Permits
NOTE: This piece is written in the “classical style” of TheFamilyCourtCircus.com Blog and is intended to offend. Reader discretion is advised.
By Wm. J. LePetomane
U.S. — Longtime Sesame Street resident Elmo decried the federal government’s defunding of PBS as an “obvious Jewish conspiracy.”
In a special edition of Elmo’s World, the iconic red puppet unleashed a 40-minute tirade blaming the Jewish people for a laundry list of world issues. “Elmo knows who’s responsible! Hee-hee!” said Elmo, furiously banging his goldfish bowl. “Elmo knows who controls the flow of money! Oh, oh, look, everyone. Dorothy the goldfish has a question! Dorothy wants to know which members of Congress are controlled by AIPAC! Ha-ha-ha!”
The disturbing rant initially featured Elmo calling the PBS defunding a Jewish plot, but quickly descended into inculpating the Jewish people for all of history’s wars. “Oh! Elmo wants to ask where the number six million really comes from for the Holohoax!” said Elmo. “Hee-hee-hee. Elmo just asking questions! Oh, oh! Now that Elmo start asking questions about Holohoax, PBS loses its funding! Elmo thinks he knows how this works, hee-hee-hee!”
At publishing time, Elmo had reportedly flushed Dorothy down the toilet after becoming suspicious of her last name “Goldfish.” Where previously Jackov Katz published an opinion piece in the Connecticut Law Tribune that muppets had crossed the line, engaging in dangerous speech, conspiring to promote Christmas, a Christian theme, while Taking Manhattan, creating Mayhem, where Katz is confident the muppets say bad things, with intent.
However, in Connecticut, State Trooper Samantha McCord and Inspector Sean Faughnan were already filing affidavits claiming Elmo’s expression of bias against those of the Jewish faith is probable cause that Sesame Street holds evidence of ‘stalking’ which were immediately placed in front of Judge Maureen Keegan, who found probable cause and sealed the warrants, where State resources deployed to Sesame Street, executing the search on suspicion of criminal stalking. A SWAT team knocked over Oscar’s trash can, impounding newspaper shreds from the Jerusalem Times and Tel Aviv Gazette, as evidence of anti-semitic stalking criminal conduct, where Oscar protesting loudly, was shoved back into his muppet case, while his muppeteer was handcuffed by sworn enemies of satire, wearing badges, carrying guns, carrying out orders of Jonathon Greenblatt and sister Joette Katz, quoting Steve Ginsburg’s hatred of hate. Oscar’s trash can lid was bashed in and the can seized as evidence of contraband contributing to stalking. Elmo himself was filmed being questioned by McCord as to his anti-semetic rant over his loss of Street funding, but could not answer questions as McCord’s fellow affiant Sean Faughnan could not stop tickling the cute little red muppet, enjoying the child like scream from the agent’s inappropriate touching, referred to in police manual as enhanced interrogation techniques.
The SWAT raid was observed from the balcony by Statler & Waldorf, who had a negative opinion of the raid in derogation of muppet First Amendment rights, whose anti-semitic tropes are protected under SCOTUS rulings from 1986 in Hudnut, for which they heckled the SWAT members while watching Cookie Monster’s favourite jar being violently tossed, intentionally inflicting emotional biscuit related trauma. Chocolate chip cookies were seized and bagged as evidence of stalking on orders of team supervising Detective Ken Ventresca. Miss Piggy was arrested for forcing her non kosher bosom in the face of Detective McCord who was attempting to handcuff Kermit The Frog for entertaining kids in Gaza with his song ‘Bien’ Green‘, a clear terrorist action in support of Hamas. Miss Piggy was charged for pigotry for calling out McCord as the first openly lesbian Police Academy graduate to raid Sesame Street. On questioning of bystanders, the Swedish Chef was detained as an illegal alien as officers could not understand him, suspecting he was in the country illegally, unable to deny he contributed to writings on the Babylon Bee. Sadly, Fozzie Bear was shot by an over zealous green suited storm trooper with a black rifle and itchy trigger finger. Blown away stuffing was replaced and his furry covering stitched up by Street technicians.
Soon after the raid, Hartford Courant’s Ed Mahoney published a news article containing excerpts of the sealed warrant, fed to him by supervising state’s attorney Jack Doyle who issued a press release commending Connecticut’s involvement in raiding Sesame Street for criminal activity involving multiple law enforcement agencies. An arrest warrant has been provided to Judge David Gold for charges of stalking based on a five year old comprehensive report on the muppets by O’Donovan Murphy, Director of Judicial Marshal Protective Gestapo Unit, responsible for protection of judges from ranting puppets expressing public opinion. The editor of the Law Tribune is confident conviction of irritating speech will be obtained, while Judge Gold appended the warrant with charge of murder of Dorthy, a distant cousin from the old country.
