PAY TO PLAY: Family Court Turns Justice Into a Subscription Service
By Michael R. Phillips | REBUILT | Father & Co.
Welcome to Family Court™, where justice is sold separately, rights are optional, and your child’s future depends on which subscription tier you can afford.
We’re proud to announce our new service levels, effective immediately:
🪙 Due Process Basic™ — $0/mo
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Hearings scheduled without your knowledge
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No jury
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Evidence? Optional (but mostly ignored)
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One (1) court-appointed stranger to judge your worthiness as a parent
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No refunds
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No explanation
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Just vibes
💼 Due Process Plus™ — $499/mo
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You may be allowed to speak
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Your motions will be “considered” (definition varies by judge)
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GAL may return your email
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Hearings limited to 7 minutes or less
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Still no actual justice — but it feels closer
👨⚖️ Due Process Premium™ — $4,999/mo
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Your evidence is reviewed (or at least glanced at)
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You get to finish a sentence
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Your disability accommodations are “acknowledged”
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Opposing counsel stops laughing (briefly)
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You still lose, but they say “Thank you for your time.”
👑 Due Process Ultra™ (Invite Only)
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Judge actually reads your case
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Laws are followed
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You get to see your child
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Court acknowledges constitutional rights exist
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Also comes with a unicorn
⚖️ Add-Ons & Boosts
Justice Visibility Pack™ – $99
Let your pleadings be seen before they’re denied.
Overrule Insurance™ – $149/mo
Protects you from the emotional trauma of being told “Motion Denied” for the 48th time.
Evidence Access Plugin™ – $79
View the opposing party’s exhibits that the judge already ruled on before you saw them.
Sanity Preservation Kit™ – $299
Includes therapy, blackout curtains, and a stuffed animal to scream into.
🛑 Terms of Service
By appearing in court, you automatically waive your:
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First Amendment rights
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Parental rights
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Privacy rights
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Right to be taken seriously
All sales are final. Emotional damage not covered.
🎟️ Bonus Feature: Court Loyalty Program
Every hearing earns you 1 “point” toward future justice.
10,000 points = one supervised visit!
(Offer expires after 90 days of nonpayment.)
🧠 From the Creator
This isn’t comedy. It’s a coping mechanism.
After years of fighting to see my son through a system designed to destroy hope, I’ve learned that satire is the only language some people understand.
So if you’re reading this and you’re laughing?
Good.
Now share it, and then get back to fighting.
Because the game may be rigged — but the circus can still burn.
Michael R. Phillips
Father. Litigant. Pyromancer of Truth.
fatherandco.substack.com | @mrthunderbeats
